A Father's Day Horror Movie Guide (For Every Dad)
Father's Day is nigh, time to begin the serious conversation about which horror movies to watch in celebration of all the sperm chuckers out there. I'm a dad, are you a dad? Are you my dad? Am I your dad? Who knows, but one things for certain, there are lots of dads in the world and this is a list to reflect that very dad diversity. Dadiversity? It's pretty common to find dads in horror movies, almost as common as finding dads in the cereal aisle looking forlorn and confused, wondering where his youth went and if that box of Cookie Crisp will help him remember how to feel. But if you want to make sure you're picking the right "dad horror movie" for your type of dad, you need an expert like me to show you the way. Here are some horror movie recommendations, for commonly found categories of various dad breeds.
The Drunken Failed Writer Dad: THE SHINING
Jack Torrance takes a backseat to no dad. Well, unless that backseat is full of scotch and a crippling self pity that manifests itself into a violent psychotic rage. Do you have a creative flame that was seemingly extinguished by becoming a father and sobriety? Do new employment prospects leave you with nothing but another axe to grind? Does your family fail to understand you, but today, today is the day you'll make them understand (right after this drink). What dad hasn't had the occasional Jack Torrance day? But for some dads, every day is Jack Torrance day, and this one is for them.
The Pious, Yet Loving, Misunderstood Dad: FRAILTY
Dad Meiks is your typical single dad in most respects. Works hard, only cares about providing for his two young boys, and just wants to leave them a better world to grow up in. He'll do anything for them, even resist god's call to kill one of them because they're a secret demon sent straight from hell. Are you a hardworking dad who kills demons masquerading as people all day, only to support and offer unconditional love to your own demon offspring, that god has commanded you to kill? Of course you are and this is your movie.
The Well Intentioned Fuck Up Dad: PET SEMATARY
Not since Twilight Zone: The Movie, have helicopter parents needed a larger trigger warning. Louis Creed, oh Louis, Louis, Louis. We've all been there man. You mess up big time and no matter how hard you try to make things right, you just fuck things up even more. I have this problem with most of my DIY home repairs. Thankfully, my mistakes have yet to venture into conjuring an ancient evil to re-animate the son I killed with my own negligence, only to watch said ancient-evil-infested-son-corpse kill my neighbor and wife, before re-animating wife with same said ancient evil, but I've certainly come very close. If you're the kind of dad who only gets one thing right, doing things wrong, then this is the movie for you.
Stepfathers: THE STEPFATHER
Stepfathers are kind of the Coke Zero of the dad world. Yeah, you're glad they're there, but we don't quite enjoy them the same way culturally as "real" dads. You can invest years of all of the same hard work, love and devotion, but never shake that sense of, "Hey! You sure are better than nothing at all! Thanks, even though you benefit from lowered expectations immensely!". In many ways, stepdads can be better than "real" ones, because they choose to do what the previous dad was obligated to. Doing it all with less respect from the kids, your family, society as a whole, and apparently the writer of this piece. Which is why it's perfectly understandable that sometimes you just need to cut your losses and start over with a clean slate, by killing them all and changing your identity. Just as the titular stepfather of this classic, Jerry Blake aka Henry Morrison aka Bill Hodgkins. Are you a stepdad in need of a blood-soaked palate cleanse? Here ya go!
The "I know My Kid is a Complete Dick" Dad: IT'S ALIVE
One of the first things every new dad learns is that the little bundle of joy you were expecting, is actually a blood-lusting, carnage craving, flagitous little flesh beast, bent on being the ruination of you and everything you hold dear. Despite this immense bowl of placenta scented shit-cheerios being served, you swallow deep and keep on keeping on. Why? Because death is not an option until that little miscreant miscreate says it is. It's Alive's Frank Davies is every dad that stared in to the abyss that is a newborns eyes, and saw in it their own humanity quickly hurtling into the void of nothingness, as the encroaching darkness devoured what's left of the husk that was once their identity. It's Alive is even more fun when you watch the entire trilogy in one sitting! Not that any dad has that kind of free time. RUNNER UP: THE OMEN
The Under-Appreciated Dad: CREEPSHOW
"You're all a bunch of vultures!", is the well known battle cry of the under-appreciated dad. It's also one of the quotes of Creepshow's resident under-appreciated dad, Nathan Grantham. Creepshow actually depicts two other dads besides old Nate, the comic-book hating Stan (Tom Atkins) and Jordy Verrill's dad who shows up just to give gardening/hygiene advice. So really, this could be a gem for all kinds of dads, but this one is for all of the poor Nate Grantham's out there. You slave your life for your family, provide them a rather dope estate, riches aplenty, attentive servants, a plethora of stone ashtrays, an amazing selection of music for Ed Harris to dance to, and all you ask for in return is thanks in the form of a cake. Maybe you're a little over protective of your daughter and have her husband-to-be killed in a "hunting accident". So? What says "I care enough to kill for you", more than actually killing for you? It sure isn't not killing, that's for sure. If you ever wake up on father's day with that sinking feeling in your head that your kids are going to be the death of you, then Creepshow takes the cake.